Kapt Kaos

Archive for November, 2008

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had  a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The  parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep, was heard.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the Freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.  As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

 HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Sony Electronics Inc. and Waste Management Recycle America will take and recycle unwanted electronic devices at no cost next month.

The companies are inviting Austin-area residents and businesses to recycle any brand of used or outdated electronics for free from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Dec. 6 at the Travis County Exposition Center.

San Diego-based Sony and Houston-based Waste Management will donate $100 for every 1,000 pounds collected to the Capital Area Food Bank. Canned and other nonperishable foods will be taken at the recycling event.

About 82 percent of the 2.25 million tons of old televisions, cell phones and computer products generated in the last two years went in landfills, according to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. Typically, residents and businesses must pay for their electronics to be properly recycled, according to the event’s organizers.

This is an awesome music video featuring a special free-flying Bald Eagle named ‘Challenger’
(in honor of the lost space shuttle crew) cared for by the non-profit American Eagle Foundation (AEF).
 
He’s a ‘human socialized’ bird accidentally raised by the people who rescued him – after being blown from a wild Louisiana nest in a storm as a baby in the late 1980s.   Declared ‘non-releasable’ by federal and state wildlife authorities, he was trained by the AEF to perform educational free-flight demonstrations at high profile public events.
 
He’s the first Bald Eagle in U.S. history that learned to free-fly into stadiums, arenas and ballrooms during the singing of the Star Spangled Banner. The celebrity eagle has appeared at numerous major sporting events like the World Series, Pro-Bowl, All-Star game, BCS National Championship, Fiesta Bowl and Men’s Final Four, etc. Challenger has also flown before 4 U.S. Presidents!
 
His life story is told in a children’s storybook titled ‘Challenger, America’s Favorite Eagle.’

Anticipating a sweeping Democratic Party victory in the November elections, animals that were formerly self-sufficient are already modifying their behavior to take advantage of what they expect to be a new set of societal norms in the next four to eight years.

This black bear from Montana has ceased hunting for a living and is sitting outside the US Fish & Wildlife Service office in Kalispell, apparently waiting to be fed and to have his winter den dug by government employees.

The residents of Kalispell are calling him ‘Bearack Obama’.

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ASS, doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, ‘Urine or You’re Out’.

We all have seen the multitude of emails about rules men should follow when dealing with women.  Well, here are some rules for the women in this world to follow.

Please note… these are all numbered ’1′
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, Hunting,Football, the shotgun formation, or BASKETBALL.
1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.