Kapt Kaos » Humor

“Survivor” Texas Style

Kapt Kaos — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:12:15 +0000

Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows,
Texas is planning to do one entitled,
“Survivor, Texas-Style.”

The contestants will all start in Dallas ,
then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio ,
over to Houston and down to Brownsville .

They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso,
Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene,
Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo
with bumper stickers that reads:

“I’m Gay,”
“I love the Dixie Chicks,”
“Boycott Beef,”
“I Voted for Obama,”
“George Strait Sucks,”
“Hillary in 2012″
and “I’m here to confiscate your guns..”

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

God Bless Texas

When your friends have to much time on there hands

Kapt Kaos — Thu, 28 May 2009 20:12:51 +0000

My friend found this. Now we just need to build one for the next Buffett parking lot party!

Gas Powered La-Z-Boy At Oshkosh Flyin 2005 from Hafast on Vimeo.

Definition of Political Correctness

Kapt Kaos — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:44:53 +0000

“Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end”

R. J. Wiedemann LtCol. USMC Ret.

Its Grilling Time

Kapt Kaos — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:21:42 +0000

As every Southerner knows, come spring it will be time to get ready for that all-important cooking technique of the south — outdoor grilling!

I have just found out there are several stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q grill! You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

A&P, Albertsons, Costco, Dan’s, Food Lion, Fry’s, Home Depot, Bi Lots, Brookshire’s, Lowes, Publix, Safeway, Sam’s Club, Target, Vons, Trader Joe’s, Wal-Mart, Winn-Dixie etc.

The Sunscreen Song

Kapt Kaos — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:39:57 +0000

A friend had a little comment on facebook about sunscreen and it reminded me of this.

Just thought this was funny

admin — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:23:37 +0000

"So I said to him, "Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't him."

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

Kapt Kaos — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 06:26:18 +0000

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

Mine was pretty interesting…

Opening Credits:
Sex On Wheels – Thrill Kill

Waking Up:
Turn Of The Sun – Yes

First Day At School:
Mambo (Dreaming of 4000 Take 1) – Electric Light Orchestra

Falling In Love:
Cirrus Minor – Pink Floyd

Fight Song:
Dreadful Selfish Crime – Robert Earl Keen Jr.

Breaking Up:
Mercy- OneRepublic

Prom night:
Battle Of Evermore – Jimmy Page & Robert Plant No Quarter: Page and Plant Unleaded

Life:
Brave and Crazy – Melissa Etheridge

Mental Breakdown:
Bent – Matchbox 20

Driving:
Tallyman – Jeff Beck

Flashback:
Be My Girl – Sally – The Police

Getting back together:
Of A Life – Journey

Wedding:
How – The Cranberries

Birth of Child:
Love Rustler – Delbert McClinton

Final Battle:
Going Back – Tracy Chapman

Funeral Song:
On Top of the World – John Mayall and the Bluesbreakers w/Eric Clapton

Final Credits:
Thinking About You – Trisha Yearwood

Christmas Gift Wrapping

Kapt Kaos — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:39:13 +0000

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and according to the Book of Matthew,Â unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

“And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary sayeth unto him, she sayeth, “Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!” And Joseph did rolleth his eyes. AndÂ verily, the baby Jesus wasÂ much more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense.”

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were not wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

They were wise.
They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.

Remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

The Parrot

Kapt Kaos — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:09:29 +0000

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had Â a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Â John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The Â parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked andÂ screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Â Not a peep, was heard.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the Freezer. Â The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. Â I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. Â As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

Â HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Disturbing Wildlife Trend

Kapt Kaos — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:28:17 +0000

Anticipating a sweeping Democratic Party victory in the November elections, animals that were formerly self-sufficient are already modifying their behavior to take advantage of what they expect to be a new set of societal norms in the next four to eight years.

This black bear from Montana has ceased hunting for a living and is sitting outside the US Fish & Wildlife Service office in Kalispell, apparently waiting to be fed and to have his winter den dug by government employees.

The residents of Kalispell are calling him ‘Bearack Obama’.